The Truth About ‘Disrespect’
(Originally posted to Path With Heart Therapy)
One of the communities I serve is perpetrators of domestic violence. Yes, you read that correctly—I work with individuals who have committed domestic violence, as part of a rehabilitation curriculum. One of the recurring themes in our conversations is the idea of being “disrespected.”
Often, someone will come in and share an experience of feeling disrespected and how they responded. (The response is usually internalized anger at best—or escalation and retaliation at worst.) I find myself asking the same questions again and again:
Did that response work?
Is this an accurate representation of yourself?
Do you think that person respects you more now?
The answer, invariably, is a sheepish: “No.”
But those questions often lead us to a deeper, more productive one:
How do we express ourselves when we feel unseen or misunderstood?
This is where I throw a curveball and ask:
How well do you understand yourself?
How are you practicing personal self-respect?
The truth is, for most of us, the answer is: not well enough, and rarely. When we feel like we have to fight to be respected, we might want to consider the situations we’re placing ourselves in. When we feel slighted, we might ask ourselves how much power we’re handing over to other people’s actions. Because the sad truth is—when it’s up to them, they rarely get it right.
So, a better question becomes:
How do we do right by ourselves?
In nearly every case, the answer includes: boundaries, regulation, generosity, and (as my guys like to say) “playing the tape to the end.” Of course, this is easier said than done…
The problem is that, too often, what we perceive becomes what we believe. If you've been exploring your nervous system with me, you know: our perceptions are never the whole story. They're just a moment in time—filtered through memory and shaped by our current nervous system state (our neuroception). In other words, we are often unreliable narrators.
When we rely solely on these activated perceptions, we risk turning everyone into a villain. If we’re flooded with threat signals, nearly everyone appears as an aggressor. We need more than our first reactions.
We need awareness of our activation levels.
We need to understand our triggers and tender spots.
We need to have our own backs—and hearts.
We need to work with our regulation and understand our thresholds.
When we truly know ourselves, we can tend to our needs—without always feeling the need to apologize for having them. When we know ourselves, we begin to recognize that we are enough just as we are—and then, we can start to uncouple from the societal pressure to “prove it.” When we know ourselves, we leave the window open for compassion, because we recognize that we need it too.
Opportunities to practice this show up all the time. We’re constantly being invited to check our perceptions, lean into regulation, and choose compassion.
A personal example:
I had a client no-show a session. In one activation state, I could have immediately labeled it as disrespect: “It’s my time, after all, and I have something (according to my ego) really valuable to offer…”
But that interpretation wouldn’t have helped either of us—and it wasn’t true.
Instead, I placed a hand on my heart and reminded myself that I had me, that this was not an indicator of my worth, and that I could ride the feeling of fear and vulnerability. I stayed present with the feeling—and it passed. Then, I exhaled and did what I encourage all my clients to do: I looked for my most compassionate and curious interpretation.
I invited myself to explore other possibilities: Maybe they were having a hard day as a parent. Maybe there was a family emergency. Maybe they simply forgot to sync their calendar. The list of human possibilities goes on…
As I leaned into those alternatives, I was flooded with compassion. I felt what I so often tell my clients:
We are all doing the best we can.
The more we can untangle our sense of self-worth from constant doing—both our own and others'—the more at ease we feel. When we learn to pause and observe our perceptions in the moment, gently guiding ourselves toward curiosity and compassion, we begin to see the world through a lens of connection. In this space, we can remember: everyone is doing their best. Doing our best doesn’t mean we never feel overwhelmed or get caught up—it means we’re human. And in the end, compassion is always the right choice.
It’s time for deeper understanding. It’s time to step out of our reactions. It’s time to reset and regulate.
I’m here to help. Let’s chat.
If you are curious about how our mental health therapy approach can support your mental and emotional health (or that of a loved one), you can book a cost-free, 15-minute Consultation with Jamie.
Jamie Van Auken, MA, Registered Marriage and Family Therapist Associate, E-RYT 500
Jamie is a nervous system-forward Registered Marriage and Family Therapist Associate who believes in bringing together the wisdom of the body with evidence-based therapeutic modalities to support genuine, sustainable transformation.
