Don't Let Your Pigeon Drive the Bus: Parts, Internal Family Systems, and How to Get Yourself Home
(Originally posted to Path With Heart Therapy)
Elizabeth Gilbert recently released a memoir in which she quotes Gabriel García Márquez: “Everyone has three lives: a public life, a private life, and a secret life.” Regardless of how you feel about Gilbert or her personal revelations (a topic for another time), she wasn’t wrong to name the multiple lives we all carry within us. Because the truth is, we show up as different parts of ourselves throughout the day. We adapt based on who we're with, the context we're in, or the state of our nervous system. In moments of distress, we even hide our vulnerable self to the world – performing a masked or protective version of ourselves instead, all in the name of survival. The truth is we play as many different people within one lifetime, and this is not a flaw; It’s a condition of being human.
In the framework of Internal Family Systems therapy, or IFS, these various versions of us are called “parts.” They are the inner characters that live within us, each with its own voice, its own story, and its own tender reasons for existing. You can think of your parts as a cast of emotional travelers you’ve picked up along the way: the protector who grips tighter when life feels out of control, the critic who believes harshness will result in safety, the wounded child who hides quietly in your heart, and the chaotic one who stirs things up just to feel something again. IFS doesn’t view these parts as broken or bad; IFS does not seek to ‘cure’ or cast away these parts. Instead, IFS treats each part with reverence, recognizing that each part has been doing its best to keep you safe in the only way it knew how. As, at time counter-intuitive as it might seem, your parts love you. You parts evolved and stepped in when they thought you needed help and have been trying to save your life ever since—often without you even realizing it. Your parts are deeply intuitive and valuable, they just should no always be in charge. This is where the Self comes in..
At the center of all these parts is the Self: calm, clear, compassionate, and deeply loving. The Self is the one who listens without judgment, who welcomes each part home with curiosity and care. The self says: ‘tell me more’ and ‘thank you’ and ‘I’m here now have some tea…’ The Self is your true north, your inner grace, and your highest expression of you. You self loves you, as you are. It listens to all your parts, it believes that they have been trying to help you, it takes stock of their learnings and messages, and then it leads you with deeper integrity, purpose, and integration. This is the goal of IFS therapy.
So then, what do we do? How do we find our Self in the midst of all the parts? This is where therapy comes in. As a therapist, I can act as a surrogate Self for your parts to engage with. In time, as you listen to your parts, your Self will emerge. With practice, care and curiosity, you’ll begin to recognize the voices of your inner managers and protectors. You’ll begin acknowledging them with compassion; listening to them but also having personal clarity which reminds you that you do not always do what they say.
A Fruitful Digression
One of my favorite children’s books is called: Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus. It’s a charming book where you (or your child) has to hold a boundary with a pigeon that *really* wants to drive a bus. The pigeon does what most people do when it is told "no" - it reacts. It begs, it cajoles, it bribes, it melts down. You witness the whole thing unfold. Eventually, the bus driver returns, the moment passes, and they both move on. It's a sweet, funny book.
Now, why did I share this? Besides Mo Williams' exquisite demonstration of boundary setting, the pigeon is a brilliant representation of the internal strategies or parts that we each hold. We are the sweet pigeon; the bribing, scheming pigeon; the cross, frustrated pigeon; the pigeon throwing a tantrum that can no longer control itself. We hold all these parts (and more) in ourselves all the time; the issue arises when we do not recognize it. If we don’t know ourselves and understand which part has taken the wheel, we’ll end up on their ride - not ours; we act as the pigeon, not the witness, and this can feel deeply powerless and reactive.
This is where therapy comes in. My job is to help you meet all of the parts of yourself, while becoming curious and compassionate towards them. Together, we work to slow your system down so you can see who is really driving the bus (if you will). Once we know these parts and their behaviors, navigating back to your Self becomes possible. Remember, the Self is always there waiting to see you. You just need to develop the capacity to slow down, watch, and allow it.
How Do We Meet a Part?
There are signs that a part has stepped forward. Maybe you suddenly change the subject. Maybe your voice shifts, or your words get tangled. Maybe you feel confused or checked out, like you’re watching yourself from the outside. When this happens, as your therapist, I listen closely. Often, a protective part is responding to a perceived threat—whether in the room or remembered from long ago. Sometimes, the parts we exile hide themselves in plain sight; other times, resistance is showing up as the fierce protector it has had to be. When I meet this in a client, I hold my heart with as much openness as I can; I’ve been there too.
Over time, I help you listen to the words beneath the words. I help you map the emotions that live in your body. I help you notice, care for, and ultimately, make peace with each of your parts. It is some of the most sacred work I get to do.
Knowing our parts is, in my estimation, one of the most compassionate acts we can do for ourselves. They matter because you matter. When we understand our parts, we create space for curiosity rather than criticism. We interrupt the shame-based narrative of defectiveness and step into deeper connection with ourselves. Our behaviors are the final stop on the bus; knowing who is driving the bus (and why) is endlessly more meaningful. It’s a paradigm shift that I’ve seen bring so many clients back home to their Self.
As a therapist, my job is to help you feel safe enough to hear all of yourself—until you can hold each part with the same compassion, courage, and clarity. This means listening to every part’s story; learning when they started driving, what they’re afraid of, what they’re hoping for. In IFS, we call those fears “burdens”—and gently, we learn to release them with compassionate listening and regular companionship of Self.
In the city of you, all parts are welcome - but that doesn’t mean they all should be driving a bus.
If you’re ready to take the wheel and come back home to yourself - let’s talk. I’d be honored to help you get back home.
If you are curious about how our mental health therapy approach can support your mental and emotional health (or that of a loved one), you can book a cost-free, 15-minute Consultation with Jamie.
Jamie Van Auken, MA, Registered Marriage and Family Therapist Associate, E-RYT 500
Jamie is a nervous system-forward Registered Marriage and Family Therapist Associate who believes in bringing together the wisdom of the body with evidence-based therapeutic modalities to support genuine, sustainable transformation.
